


What If

by girl_next_door_writes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:29:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22771390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl_next_door_writes/pseuds/girl_next_door_writes
Summary: Sometimes, Sam let’s his mind drift away to ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’. This is the wonderful Sam Winchester living in one of those scenarios.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	What If

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He had found a way to take it back, fought to make this right, and yet somehow you had ended up right back here. Standing alone in the flickering light, he felt a weight upon his heart, one that he knew would never go away. His mind played over the last few days. He’d thought he had found the moment, had managed to keep you safe. The scene before him let him know just how wrong he had been. 

You were the one he had let go, convinced that being with him was too dangerous and that you deserved better. He had pushed you away, hurt you to save you. For years he was tortured by the ‘what ifs’ that span through his mind. What if he hadn’t let you go? What if he hadn’t walked away? What if he’d missed his one chance? 

Then he heard the news. The demon had delighted in telling him how you had screamed, how delicious your tears had tasted, how much you had endured trying to protect what little you knew of the famous Sam Winchester. His leaving hadn’t protected you, it had left you wide open to all sorts of dangers and that was on him. Your death was on him. 

Sam had lost people before, hell, he was practically an expert, but this felt different somehow. He wanted a do over. He needed to somehow turn back time and make this right. He tried to draw a line under it, to pile the guilt of your loss with all the rest of the people he had let down, but something within him wouldn’t let it lay. 

It was years later, years of playing out the millions of different scenarios in his mind until he almost believed he had found the right combination, the words, the actions, that would save you, Sam was presented with an offer. He didn’t know what Chuck was planning, what his angle was, but when he was offered a single ‘do-over’ Sam knew exactly where he was going. 

“But- but Sam, I don’t understand. I thought-“ you trailed off, your eyes shimmering with unshed tears that you were desperately trying to force back. It took Sam a moment to realise where he was, what was going on, but as soon as it registered, he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. I was just scared. Scared you’d get hurt. Scared I couldn’t protect you. Scared I couldn’t give you the life you deserve. Please, please forgive me.” He murmured into your hair, his own tears slipping over his cheeks. Tears of relief at having you there, of having a chance to say all the things he was never brave enough to, of maybe having a life with you. 

It had worked. Each day with you was a gift that Sam never once took for granted, knowing full well how his life had been without you. Grocery shopping, heated arguments, make up sex, wild nights out and quiet nights in, the years passed easily. Sure, there was the hunting and the long road trips and crappy motel rooms but just having you there seemed to make everything better. 

Then came the day he had almost forgotten about, had pushed to the back of his mind. The day in his original timeline you had died. 

All day Sam was ill at ease, keeping you closer than usual, not wanting to let you out of his sight for a second. “Sam, I’m just going to the bathroom.” You laughed as he stood up with you from the booth at the diner, “I’m perfectly capable of peeing by myself.” Reluctantly, he watched you go, taking his seat opposite Dean once more.

“What’s got into you? Seriously, clingy boyfriend does not suit you.” His brother teased as he leaned back and looked at Sam. “Come on, spill it. You’ve been on pins all day. You gonna propose or something?”

Sam was about to answer when they heard you scream. Immediately, both men were on their feet, running towards the bathroom. The blood was pumping in Sam’s ears, he could barely hear the instructions Dean was barking at him, desperate to get to you, no thought for his own safety. Kicking open the door, his heart broke. The bathroom was covered in blood and your limp, lifeless body was tossed into a corner like a used rag. “No.” he whispered, “No, no, no, no.” Falling to his knees beside you he was vaguely aware of Dean taking out the demon responsible, but Sam’s focus was on you. “No. This- this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Come on, baby, come back to me. Don’t leave me now, I only just got you back. Please. Please.” He sobbed as he clung to your body. Of all the ways he had ever imagined this playing out, this had never occurred to him. He had believed he would save you, that you would grow old together, that you would be like that couple in the notebook and go together. He didn’t want to be in a world where you weren’t. 

They had avoided questions from the police, had taken care of everything ‘hunter style.’ Dean had headed off to get them some beers, wanting to give his brother some time alone to say his goodbyes in the secluded spot they had picked out for disposing of your body. 

A hand fell on his shoulder and as he turned his head, he saw Chuck stood beside him, blurred through his own tears. “You had longer this time.” His voice held such emotion as they looked at the fire before them and Sam wondered if perhaps Chuck needed this to work as much as he did. 

“We go again. I go again.” Sam said firmly, turning back to the pyre and allowing his resolve to harden. He could fix this. He could make this better. He could save you. This time it would work. This time there wouldn’t be any ‘if only’, he would protect you and this time, this time he would get to keep you.


End file.
